Hehehe. I'm in a silly mood. ^__^ And a little bitter. But mainly just silly.

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One day Mr. Riddle considered leaving his new wife and son. A witch and a son of a witch, he thought. Crazy stuff, mate. His bags were packed.

But when he saw little Tom asleep in the crib, in his little Quidditch-print pajamas, he didn’t have the heart. A boy would need a father, after all, to grow up right.

So Mr. Riddle stayed, and Mrs. Riddle was happy, and little Tom Marvolo Riddle grew into a much less little Tom Marvolo Riddle, after spending a childhood enriched in the delights of the Wizarding world and Muggle world alike. He went to Hogwarts when he was eleven, and in the years to follow he was an exceptional student, the best Hogwarts had seen in years.

“What will you do with all that power of yours?” one wide-eyed student asked him once.

Tom had no idea. It wasn’t as if he’d grown up bitter from abandonment or anything. He was a happy kid, and a good kid, and often protected Hagrid from the boys who picked on his size and appearance. Besides, Tom’s dad was a successful Muggle reporter, so Tom understood that magic wasn’t the only way to an accomplished life. But, still, the question plagued him: what did he want to do with his life?

When he was fourteen he tried his hand at writing. He realized that when he shuffled the letters in his name he could spell “I AM LORD DOLT MOVER” which he thought was really cool, and subsequently started writing a series about a bunny farmer whose sole occupation was to count bunnies. But, surprisingly enough, the story didn’t get interesting until the bunnies started meeting unfortunate ends, so after a few pages Tom gave up being a writer.

A few more years passed, and Tom proved all the more exceptional at Wizardry. He also became best friends with Hagrid, who was already vying for a career as a professor for the Care of Magical Creatures.

“Hagrid,” he said one day, as he helped him smuggle yet another pet out of the school. “I want to be really wicked at whatever I do.”

Hagrid laughed. “No dou’ ‘bout tha’, Tom. You will be.”

And Tom, now with a mission in life, set out to accomplish just that. After graduating with top honours from Hogwarts he opened a record shop that dealt both with Muggle customers and Wizarding alike, selling records to a world just falling into the rock-and-roll craze. His father didn’t quite understand, but that was all right, because Tom was in a bit of a rebellious phase. Business boomed, and everyone who chanced by to see him, rad as he was wearing T-shirts with moving pictures of the numerous bands, organizing concerts and working as a DJ by night to boot, loved him. And Tom found he really liked being loved.

When James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter went to school, years later, they knew to check out Tom’s shop for the best in new bands. Tom had two stores by then, one in Muggle London and the other in Hogsmeade, and was considering further expansions. He also wondered what it would be like to be a rock star himself. One of his connections mentioned something about an up-and-coming punk rock band, and though his father couldn’t understand the desire to dye one’s hair and wear tattered threads and get piercings everywhere, Tom took the first opportunity he was given to join the Hobgoblins.

Meanwhile. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter got along famously, as theirs was a friendship they were sure would last forever. It didn’t, of course, and they couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed, or just plain weirded out, when Peter was arrested for wanking at an adult picture show, and then tried to get out of it by telling the authorities he was actually Sirius Black. To top it all off, he’d been keeping snuff comics in his home and it was general consensus that Peter Pettigrew a Really Weird Guy.

Nonetheless, things looked pretty good for the remaining Marauders. Remus Lupin was still a werewolf, but since the Ministry wasn’t panicking about the emergence of any silly Dark force, they weren’t so leery of Dark Creatures as to take away their rights. In fact, when children visited the bookstore Lupin worked at (and later owned), they were in awe of him, and would sometimes just follow him about, as if to glean some sense of enlightenment from his mere presence. Remus was pretty embarrassed about it, but James and Sirius couldn’t stop laughing whenever Remus, on the way to a lunch date with them, would invariably find himself trailed by a gawking eight-year-old. It was a good life.

Also on account of their lack of fear about the end of the world, the Ministry didn’t restrict marriages, either, and indeed many of the awestruck who followed Remus around were actually young, eager women looking for the thrill of a life time.

“They say you’re quite the… animal,” was one pick-up line Remus could stand never to hear again.

Interestingly enough, though, Remus never married, even though he had the legal right. Sirius Black was unavailable for comment on the matter. James and Lily, however, made full use of their right to wed, and had a wee little sprog in no time at all. They called him Harry, and they lived long enough to be everything parents always are to their kids. Harry’s only scar as a child was the emotional trauma of walking in on his parents Doing the Dirty when he was nine.

When Harry went to Hogwarts for himself, he was taught by the highly respected Professor Hagrid in the Care of Magical Creatures, as well as by one Severus Snape, whose childhood was still pretty lousy, but who bore no Mark that could’ve been used to isolate him from society after he emerged from his painful adolescence. And emerge Snape did, becoming a prominent and greatly-esteemed head of the Potions Master’s Federation after discovering and getting full credit for the Wolfsbane Potion. Because his life hadn’t been summarily ruined by any overwhelming mistakes as an adolescent, nor by the necessity of working as a spy for Dumbledore (as there was no real threat to the Wizarding world), Severus Snape was able to get his revenge on James Potter not by picking on Harry Potter, but by ignoring his very existence. Harry didn’t mind this at all, either; he had an exceptionally normal school life, went on to be a Seeker for the Chudley Cannons, and promptly led them on to years of steady victory. He married Ginny Weasley, who’d never been possessed by anything Dark, but who nevertheless eventually grew out of her silly crushes and into a true and long-lasting love for Harry. She and Harry had enough babies to start a Quidditch team of their own.

Neville Longbottom, also having fully functional parents, grew up in an equally loving home, went on to excel both at Potions and Herbology, and took an apprenticeship with Professor Snape. Draco Malfoy, not growing up with the constant reminder he was supposed to join a crazy murderous cult when he was old enough, promptly fell in love with a Muggle and ran away from home when his stuffy old father didn’t approve. They were last seen booking a flight to India.

Meanwhile, Stubby Boardman, a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, faked his death after a few years with the band, and went back to his music stores, which were becoming a chain with power enough, he hoped, to take over the world (of music stores). And all proclaimed, when he finally kicked the bucket as a rich, happy, peace-loving old man, that he was indeed the wickedest wizard of their time.


Moral of the story: Dead-beat parents ruin everything.

So, please, do your local Wizarding community a favour, and don’t be a dead-beat parent. :D